Plan ahead!

I know alot of you reading this have babies or toddlers and can't imagine the sex talk that you'll have to have with them one day, but as a mother with older kids I can tell you that you need to start thinking about your subject matter NOW!!! If your child is somewhat precocious (and most of my friends' children are), the questions can start at two! I'll never forget a bath where I noticed a certain little boy mashing and twisting his balls. I mean, really squishing them. As a woman, I had always been told that this area was to be handled gently, with respect. But there he sat, pounding them against the bottom of the tub! Horrified, I told him to stop before he hurt himself. He gleefully informed me that it didn't hurt at all and in fact, there was something in "there". "What's inside here, Mom?" he asked. While I sat speechless on the edge of the bath trying to think of how to explain the scrotum (something we women NEVER really understand anyway) to a BABY, he continued on with his own theory. "It's poo-poo, isn't it? This is where poo-poo goes before it comes out! Poo-poo balls!" Because I was unprepared, I just agreed and was relieved when the subject dropped!

Skip ahead 8 or 9 years. The little boy is now a big boy. He has a (hilarious) sex book because his mother doesn't want to talk about it more than she has to and his dad tried to explain things in football euphemisms that just confused the poor child. After reading the book cover to cover, probably several times, I was accosted in the kitchen while making dinner. He stomped in and informed me that all of his life up until "the book", he had remembered our conversation and had always thought that "poo-poo" was stored in his balls! When he would complain of a stomach ache and I would suggest trying to use the bathroom, he would check the balls to see if they were any bigger than usual. He thought if he "had to go" they would surely be "full" and seem larger. He could never understand why they didn't "empty" out after he was done. He said for years he thought something might be wrong with him because "all" the poo-poo never came out!

Consider my friend, who after a carefully crafted "sex talk" asked the child if he had any other questions and he said yes, just one. He understood the mechanics of sex but wanted to know how long the act itself took to complete. My friend (a man) answered, "Anywhere from 3 minutes to an hour." When he related the story to us (his female co-workers) we were both hysterical and horrified! We told him he'd have to correct this information! One, his poor child would always feel like a failure if he couldn't pound away for an HOUR!!! Two, consider his partner! Some poor woman lying there praying to GOD he'd HURRY UP! Our friend just covered his face with his hands and went home to try and fix it.

So, you need to start thinking NOW about such questions and how you plan to answer them. None of us want to scar our kids for life! Besides, this world does NOT need another man constantly grabbing his balls (even if it is to check for "poo-poo") or yet another marathon sex pound-a-holic! If they're old enough to ask the question, they're old enough for simple, straight answers. Balls are full of sperm, baby seeds. Sex should take 15 minutes. Period. Mothers unite! Let's make the world a better place!