D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Okay, here's a little cautionary tale for all you ladies who are fed up with your, husbands. If you don't have children, well, go right ahead and dump his loser ass. Everybody gets one "starter" marriage, anyway. You don't have anything to worry about until you get to your third husband. Then, you have to face facts... it's not them, it's probably you. No, not probably. It's you. Sorry.

But, here's something to think about, unhappily married Mommy's of the world. You may be thinking, "If I could just leave (insert name here), I wouldn't have to deal with his (insert annoying habit here) anymore!" But what you can't fathom is that once you had children with that fool, you are saddled with him for the rest of his life. And, speaking from experience, the things that drove you crazy when you were married to him will only drive you even crazier AFTER the divorce.

For example... oh, and for the legal record, Rob, if you're somehow reading this, I'm not necessarily talking about you. Wink, wink. Anyhow, back to the story. Let's say he just generally enjoys pushing your buttons. Of course, he's an expert at this because when you were married he got alot of practice. Well, now he can push them over the telephone and not have any consequences. I mean, he can piss you off whenever he wants and he doesn't even have to come home to you. You can't not sleep with him as payback either because you don't do that anymore. Although, besides the times when you got pregnant, you probably didn't do much of that anyway. Otherwise, you might not BE divorced.

This is just the tip of the iceberg as far as things you should be considering before seriously contemplating the D word. Remember the time he let your 4 year old son pick up a rattlesnake he THOUGHT was dead? Now, if that happens at "his" house, you won't even know about it! Although, come to think of it, that may be a blessing. Imagine the thrill of a doctor's vistit where you're frantically calling him because after 6 years he still keeps "forgetting" to get you your own copy of the children's insurance card! Big fun, ladies! Big fun! I think the prizes goes, though, to someone who's bitchy mother was also the principal where your child attended school. Yes, an educator who was so interested in helping to make your life a living hell that she called her son the ONE time your child got to school late all year to voice her "concerns". You may can imagine the screaming match that ensued.

The really great part is that no matter how much you loathe this man, you can never say anything bad about him. You have to smile and tell the children that, "Yes, Daddy IS a wonderful man." So wonderful that Mommy would rather have kidney stones while being covered in fire ants than spend one more wasted day with him! That Mommy foolishly spent years of her life with a complete Nintendo playing, fantasy football loving loser! No, really. Of course you can't say that. But, you want to and that's the main thing that sucks so bad! You can take some measure of comfort in knowing that he's feeling the same way about you. He has to say, "Why, yes. Mommy looks very pretty today," when you know he really wants to claw your emasculating, bitchy eyes out. Ah, well. Must suck it up for the kids, you know! Don't want them to need more therapy than they're already going to have to have!

So, unless you have a chance to leave him for the well endowed, wealthy, excessively hot, love-of-your-life Dr. Baby, think twice. Divorce is like childbirth or nursing or Lord of the Rings- it's so traumatic and depressing that if anyone really knew what it was like, they'd almost never put themselves through it. I know that I would usually say that everything is "great" with my ex, but what you have to understand and what I want to clarify is that divorced "great" is like "I can't stand that bastard" in regular speak. I'm just afraid that I may have "prettied" things up a bit for some of you. If you're fantasizing about a life of dual parent teacher nights and casual, friendly banter at softball games, think again. Prepare for a lifetime of teeth gritting and fake smiling. And you wondered how I got to be so good at it!