Not the same old thing...

Okay, so if you want to do something fun and different with your kids this Friday night, you should take them to the Mississippi Orchestra at Thalia Mara Hall! Seriously! The performance is going to be based on great action movie theme songs. They're doing Superman, Lord of the Rings, Indiana Jones and others. For all you red-blooded Americans who can't imagine sitting on your ass for two hours WITHOUT a looking at a screen with moving pictures, there WILL be accompanying video clips! See! You won't be bored!

Dr. B and I have long since discovered the joys of symphony going. It's fascinating, for one. Second, you sound sophisticated when someone asks what you did with your weekend. Saying, "I drank beer and sat around watching the hubby play X-box while flipping through Life and Style magazine" just doesn't conjure the same image as "We went to the symphony"! Beyond the "snob" factor, your kids may well be amazed that the music blaring out of their i-pod headphones originates from real, live human beings! Well, most music anyway...

If your kids are too little to tag along, this is a great intro to the symphony for ALL the musical virgins out there. It won't be too serious or intense. Plus, for our male readers... planning a "date night" to the symphony is WAY better than a "date night" to Papa John's and Blockbuster. And, it won't cost you any more! (Read- more "wifely duty" for the same amount of dough!) Adult seats are 15.oo (30.00 for the really close seats) and 5.00 for kids no matter which section you're seated in. It starts at 7:30, get there early if you need to buy tickets. (obviously!)

So, hope to see you there! I mean, honestly, when was the last time you did something different with your weekend?!?

Some of you may not know this, but Truvie is totally paranoid about her home security. Truvie had a very traumatizing experience when she was in college involving walking in on people burglarizing her parent's home. With this in mind, continue reading...

Truvie lives next to an older, single woman who has a boyfriend (or really, and old-man-friend) who regularly sleeps over. *gasp* I know, right? Fornicators! Anyhoo, Truvie and Dr. B are used to seeing this man's Honda in the driveway and noticing him taking out the trash or walking the dog in the early morning time. He seems pretty nice and the general consensus on the block was that our neighbor REALLY needed to get laid, so it's a win-win for everyone.

Well, Truvs had noticed this man looking in her mailbox on several occasions. It seemed a little wierd, but he's old. Maybe he was confused, or maybe he wasn't sure if he was at the right house. Our street has a Mediterranean theme and alot of the homes DO look like one another. Truvie has driven into the wrong driveway on more that one occasion, so this theory seemed plausible.

Well, today Truvie was home alone, cleaning up and doing little errands. While folding clothes on the couch, Truvs got that weird feeling you get when some one's staring at you. Laugh all you want, but Truvie has watched enough Oprah to know that you always trust your gut instinct. When the feeling didn't lift, she turned around to investigate and saw the old-man-friend STARING INTO HER KITCHEN WINDOW!!! His hands were pressed against the glass and everything! Oooky!

As soon as he saw Truvie, he turned and ran off. The neighbor and he WERE doing yard work, so maybe he just thought he saw something that he wanted to take a closer look at or whatever. Still, Truvs is totally freaked out! Should she say something to her neighbor? The police? It seems rude to blow the situation out of proportion when this neighbor has been so kind to Truvie and Dr. B- ignoring the late night parties, the 3am swims, the drunken sister trying to use her key on the neighbor's house instead of Truvie's, etc... Still, though. Now, Truvie is totally paranoid! If Miss T goes missing, I'll rely on all you Graceful Streeters to point the finger next door.

What's the best way to handle this? Let it go? Try and dial down the imagination? Get a gun? An attack dog? Restraining order? What about the children? Could he be dangerous? Have you ever looked in YOUR neighbor's window? Mailbox? Tell me it's not THAT weird!

Little White Lies

So, I recently read this incredible book and it touches on a point that really got me thinking... how many times a day do you lie? You probably think that it's not THAT many times, I know I did. But I wondered, what if I kept a list like the guy in the book and kept track of EXACTLY how many lies I told in one day? The rules are: you start counting from the moment you wake up until the moment you fall asleep. You must count EVERY lie- no matter how small or insignificant it may be. No lying about how many lies you tell. Sounds simple, right? It's not. Here are a few excerpts from my "list":

6:45am- lied to the children. Told them that I'd made blueberry muffins for breakfast because there were no cinnamon rolls. I really just WANTED blueberry muffins. I could've told the truth on this one, but honestly, didn't want to hear whining and be "mean mommy" before seven o'clock.

7:00am- lied to the children again. Said that if they didn't finish breakfast in the next 3 minutes, we'd be late for school. That's not necessarily true. I just wanted them to hurry up. I could've just TOLD them what to do instead of lying about WHY they should move faster.

8:30am- lied to work. Told them I couldn't grab coffee on my way in because I'd already passed Starbucks. Just didn't want to take every one's order and then pay for it all and then run around all morning trying to get paid back. Plus, hate trying to balance 9 steaming hot cups of coffee, latte, etc.

9:50am- lied to patients. Told them they'd only have to wait "a few more minutes". Knew this to be untrue before I even uttered the words. We were already 35 minutes behind schedule and there were 2 people ahead of them. Told this particular lie 9 more times, by the way. I feel these lies don't count because the patients KNOW you're lying to them, but I'm adhering to the rules. Besides, no one wants to be told that yes, you will be waiting for a LOT longer.

10:40am- lied AGAIN! Said I had just eaten at Newk's and therefore wanted to order lunch from somewhere different. The truth is, I wanted Basil's, but I didn't want to be the one to suggest Basil's since that's the only place I ever want to order from. I know, I know.

3:00pm- again, with the lying. Told the Fraternal Order of Police that I'd already spent my charitable giving budget. Not true. Just don't plan on giving any of it to them. Why didn't I just say "NO"?!?

3:45pm- Realize that I'm ending phone conversations with the phrase "See you later" when, in fact, I'm not planning to see the person for days.

4:50pm- lied to MYSELF!!! Said, "Oh, I'll vacuum the rug tomorrow" when I know I'll most probably put it off for at LEAST another couple of days! It's getting ridiculous.

7:30pm- surprised? Told Dr. B that my back hurts so he'll rub it. It kinda aches, so that one barely counts!

9:30pm- reprised the earlier lie, but for different reasons this time... :)

So, as you can see, there is work to be done! I don't think that I'm telling pathologically harmful lies, but it's lying all the same. I'm going to work on it. Well, no, see I lied again! I probably won't work on it. I'll just continue telling little white lies to keep the sailing smooth. See?!? That's one of the most truthful things I've said all day! Whoo-hoo! It's helping already!

So I had one of the most hilarious convos at work today. It involved pick-up lines that people had been approached with or (shamefully) used before. I thought I'd spice up your Tuesday morning with a few of my favorites, many of which I'd (surprisingly) never heard before! I have to warn you, a few of these are pretty distasteful... not that ALL pick-up lines aren't intrinsically distasteful! If you can add something ORIGINAL- absolutely NO "There's a party in my pants"- I'd LOVE to hear it!!!

1. "I may not have gotten your virginity, but could I at least have the box it came in?"
*** I'm sorry, but this is funny!***

2. Cheesy Man: "So, how are you tonight?"
Woman: "Fine."
Cheesy Man: "You're damn right!"
*** My totally straight laced friend, C.G., had SEX with the guy who used this clunker! On the spot! In his car!!! Klassy, as CanCan would say! :)***

3. "I'm going outside to make-out. Wanna come?"
*** Was this guy twelve or something? Make-out?!?***

4. "Do you sleep on your stomach? (The woman responds with any answer) "Could I"?!?
*** My gay friend was trying to modify this for his own use, but it's not the same...***

5. "If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!"
*** Ewwww... no one wants THAT much!!!***

6. (Here's one especially for the drunken girl friend who can't turn down a dare!)
"I'd rip out my eyeballs just so you'd have two extra holes to screw me in!"
*** I hope none of you have too much wine around me while I'm remembering this one!***

7. "I'm the only guy in here talking to you..."
***A woman MARRIED the man who used this monstrosity! Hmmm...***

8. "I am free of a disease."
*** A friend who lived overseas for a year got this in a bar. I guess when English is your second language, you keep it simple!***

9. "You remind me of my dead ex-girlfriend."
*** I don't know 'bout y'all, but nothing turns me on like the mention of death AND his ex!***

And finally, drum roll please... a line that yours truly once actually used (to great success, but then again, how hard is it for women to pick-up men?!?)...

10. Walk up to a hot smoker and ask if you can have a cigarette. Be seductive when you put it in your mouth and let him light it. Immediately stub it out in the ashtray and give him your sexiest smile. Say "I'm not a smoker, I just wanted to put something of yours in my mouth..." and strut off. He'll follow you. Unfortunately, he may follow you until you get that restraining order, but live and learn... (A funny side note: my husband who is notoriously "thrifty" said that if a strange girl in a bar wasted one of his perfectly good cigarettes, he would be pissed!)

Have a fun day, Graceful Streeters!

Please, please, PLEASE go out and vote this Tuesday!!! If you choose not to vote, you are throwing away a right that people literally DIED to give you the chance to have. Vote Democrat, vote Republican, whatever... just go out and DO it! There is NO excuse that will justify you not voting!

If you don't vote, then you can't complain about the government that's elected... and EVERYONE loves to complain about the government!!! What will you talk to your friends about? They'll all be standing around, griping about the highway commissioner's helicopter or how the Delta Democrat Newspaper says that, "John Aurthur Eaves is lying and what's more, he knows he's lying" or some other pressing social issue and you won't be able to say one word!... knowing you couldn't spare 10 minutes of your precious day in order to decide WHO RUNS OUR STATE!!! Besides, even Puff Daddy says it's "hip" to vote, and who doesn't want to be like Puffy? :) VOTE!!!

If that's not enough to motivate you, then there's this: Black Betty's special curse. I'm officially wishing yeast infections that itch in church on all non-voters. Don't be itchy scratchy! VOTE!

The Glass Slipper Effect

So a friend that I exchange funny e-mails with and I got to talking about this subject the other day. Namely, why are we (as women) so caught up in being a certain "size"?!? You know what I'm talking about! No matter how your clothes actually fit on your figure, you're going to wear what you think is your "size". I've been guilty of it. I can admit this. I really can't think of a single friend who at one time or another hasn't been squeezed like a sausage into some pair of jeans or skirt that might've fit back in the tenth grade. Why do we women DO this? Here is my theory.

I like to call it the Glass Slipper Effect. You know the scene in Cinderella where the Duke is holding out the glass slipper to the wicked step-sisters and you can clearly see how teeny tiny it is and how HUGE their feet are in comparison? He doesn't want to let them try it on, but they insist. "I just KNOW it will fit!", one exclaims! This is the same feeling I get when I see size six clothing. You just want it to work so badly that you fool yourself into thinking that maybe this time, just maybe, you'll squeeze into it! Remember also the scene where one step-sister DOES squeeze into the shoe, only to have it come flying off her over sized foot and into the air seconds later? The equivalent, modern day version of this event would be your skintight shirt splitting open as you reach for oranges at the local Kroger. Not pretty.

My above mentioned friend was a little surprised by the actual size of some jeans she purchased the other day. In order to have them fit properly, she had to go farther into the double digits than she had planned. However, she seemed pretty calm about the whole affair. She was just like, "Hey! This is a label. I need to wear my jeans and still breathe!" Her candid honesty was refreshing. And, inspiring...

So, whether you're post-baby (either newly or the "baby" is in college) or just a little older than you used to be, or you finally decided not to go the rest of your life existing on apple peels and carrot sticks.... just wear what fits! Look for lumps and bumps in the dressing room and go up in sizes until you don't see them anymore. Well, at least until the lumps and bumps aren't squeezed into un-natural positions! You'll be surprised at how much better you feel... and LOOK! Besides, you can always cut the tags out and tell yourself (and others!) that what you're wearing is your "size". Ah, denial! A cornerstone of the glass slipper effect!

Helpful Tips for Halloween

Here are some of my favorite helpful Halloween tips! Additional advice welcome!

1. If you think you've killed the monster, demon, etc., DON'T GO BACK AND CHECK!
2. Do not read aloud from ancient books that summon "the spirits". Not even as a joke!
3. Don't search the basement. Ever.
4. If your children begin speaking in languages they have not been taught and or drawing odd symbols on the walls, shoot them! Be prepared! It may take several rounds of ammo to do the job! This sounds harsh, but will save you lots of grief later on!
5. The above tip also applies to children who speak in OTHER people's voices. Can't be too careful!
6. If you are with a group, DO NOT volunteer to go off alone.
7. As a general rule, do not solve puzzles that open the portals of Hell.
8. Never stand in, on, or above a tomb, grave or crypt. Common sense, people!
9. If appliances began running while unplugged, do not stop to look for the power source! Get the hell OUT!!!
10. If a town is deserted, there's a good reason why. Don't choose the one open store as your "pit stop". Also, do not camp here.
11. Unless you have a PhD and proper lab, do not attempt to "modify" DNA.
12. When running from the monster, you're going to fall down several times. Also, be prepared that even if he LOOKS slow, he's rapidly catching up with you!
13. If your companion's eyes glow red, they hiss, spit or bite, shoot them ASAP!
14. Be aware of your surroundings. Is it really a good idea to visit Ammityville, Elm Street, a Texas chainsaw warehouse, Nilbog, the woods at night?
15. Do not approach strangers who are walking around holding tools.
16. If you run out of gas (dumb-ass!), do not approach deserted looking homes. Wait! Never mind. Just shoot yourself. You're going to die anyway.
17. Don't have sex.
18. If your house built on an ancient cemetery or sacrificial temple of some sort, now's the time to put it on the market. Ditto if someone was horrifically murdered before you moved in!
19. Flashlights, not torches or candles.
20. Don't chant names in front of mirrors!

Hope this helps you make it to tomorrow safe and intact! Happy Halloween everyone!